


Phases of the Moon

by Megylovessaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders' Era, POV First Person, Pining, Slow Burn, The Marauder's Map, brief mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9183508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megylovessaw/pseuds/Megylovessaw
Summary: Sirius Black realises he has a crush on his best friend, Remus, during the course of their teen years at Hogwarts.





	1. Chapter One

Lupin’s POV  
   
Being alone in that dark house was almost as terrifying as having no control. The floorboards to each room creaked like they had been there for longer than I could imagine, and in every way I felt pathetic having to be practically locked in each month. The waiting was dreadful. Waiting in such a dark house without anyone or anything for company didn’t help the oncoming fear of a child breaking out of his own body into something he could only dare imagine in his nightmares. I would sit by the bed upstairs, trying to sleep or think of anything else, until the inevitable happened, and I woke up feeling drained and scarred on every inch of my skin. It was hard to see the beauty of magic as a child when all I felt was the pain of a curse that plagued me, ripped me apart and then poorly put me back together again once my rage was fulfilled and the sun had returned.   
   
*  
   
I woke up realising my moon cycle had ended the day before, and I couldn’t be happier that I had the last of the month to rest in the comfort of the Gryffindor dormitory. I rolled over in the sheets, checking my alarm clock on the stand, noticing I had a few hours left before I had to get up and ready for class. It was only a few weeks into the new year, so I’d have to ask James or Peter what our first lesson was, due to the timetable change. I looked over at the bed directly across from mine, noticing Sirius sprawled out on top of the covers with his long black hair draping over the pillows. Black was intelligent, but he’d be late getting ready, and there was no point asking him which class was our first. He liked pretending to be a “bad-boy,” because it got him noticed, but he really was smart and I admit that I was jealous of both that and his popularity.   
   
I also respected his hatred and rejection of the Black’s family’s values towards half-bloods like myself, and I knew from the moment he treated me like an equal, he would be my friend.   
   
Sirius twitched and rolled in his sleep, and I felt paranoid for staring. I looked around at the rest of the dorm, but everyone was in a deep sleep. It wasn't unnatural for someone like me to be paranoid, having to constantly lie about where I go once every month and keep my friends from ever knowing the truth. I sighed, yawned again, and then closed my eyes to try and get some sleep.   
   
*  
   
“Remus are you feeling okay?”  
   
I was startled when Sirius suddenly launched a scrunched up paper at my head, and I looked up from my dinner plate to my friends on the other side of the table.   
   
“You’ve been staring at your dinner for about ten minutes without saying anything, and I don’t think the mash is that interesting.”  
   
I hadn’t realised I’d been so deep in thought, but Sirius could always tell when something was wrong. With any of us. He knew when James had lost his Quidditch game without James even telling us there was a Quidditch game to begin with.   
   
“Just tired,” I said, not entirely lying and pushing my plate away. I didn’t have the appetite for anything. My last transformation had left me completely drained of energy; it felt like a challenge just walking between classrooms, and of course, it would help if the stairs complied with my tiredness.  
   
“You’ve got to eat, mate,” Peter piped in, and James next to him looked genuinely concerned.   
   
“I’m fine, I’m just exhausted,” I sighed, wiping my face with my hands, and I felt the latest scar on my cheek - which was a particularly nasty one, and it made my skin plush and pink there. It didn’t hurt as much as others had in the past, but it was big and difficult to hide.   
   
James announced he was going to his practice, and Peter wolfed down his food before trailing helplessly behind him. Sirius waved them off, and then unexpectedly leaned in across the table, a look of fear in his eyes pointing directly at me.  
   
“Are you sure you’re okay, Remus?”  
   
“Yes,” I shrugged him off and leant back, “stop worrying.”  
   
“That’s another scar you’re lying about,” he pointed at my cheek, “so I’m not going to stop worrying.”  
   
“Honestly, Sirius, you’re mad. I’m fine, okay?”  
   
Sirius didn’t look entirely convinced but he backed away. If he could’ve leant back he would have.  
   
“Can I talk to you in private?”  
   
I would’ve given anything to get out of what was going to follow. My friends would always interrogate me like I was on trial, and some things they just wouldn’t let go. They’d eventually give in to whatever lie I had told that time, but Sirius was smart, and he never so easily gave up. An entire talk with Sirius put me on edge just thinking about it. But there was also no way to refuse.  
   
“Fine.”  
   
Sirius then trailed me like a detective back to the Common Room, almost like a bloodhound in the way he was trying to work out what I was up to. His thoughts must’ve been serious, because I had never seen him so quiet in my entire time knowing him. I threw down some of the cushions and sat on the floor with them, watching Sirius join opposite me. I wasn’t sure how to feel.  
   
There were a few moments of uncomfortable silence before Sirius finally spoke.  
   
“Remus. No one- no one is hurting you? You’d tell me-?”  
   
There was sadness in his grey eyes, and I hated the fact I had made him feel like this. He wasn’t arguing with me, he just wanted the truth. I wished I could’ve just told him then and there the whole story. It was probably a spell or a trick, but whenever Sirius got quiet, he had puppy-dog eyes that made me want to spill everything and all I knew.   
   
“I’m fine.”  
   
Sirius stared at me for a while, as though he was trying to work out the truth from my eyes alone. I looked away from him in fear of this being true.   
   
“I can tell, you know,” he said quietly, getting up and making his way back out into the hall, “you can trust me.”  
   
 


	2. Chapter Two

Sirius’ POV  
   
The first time I saw Remus at Hogwarts was not long after he had been placed in Gryffindor. He was by himself at the table, looking as curious as we all were about such a great and magical school, but I could also sense that something was keeping him from enjoying everything like a child his age should have.  
   
I was too far away from him myself, on almost the complete opposite end of the table, but something about the way he seemed disinterested in the Sorting Hat and a shroud of mystery clung to him like a strong scent, was enough to make me fascinated. He wore everything properly and smart, as though a Diagon Alley store had thrown up on him, which in this world was entirely possible, but he still looked out of place.   
   
James and Peter had been my friends since the train ride to Hogwarts, as we were all in the same train compartment, all bumbling and excited for what awaited us at the end of the journey. James was very knowledgable on everything to do with wizardry, as he’d been born into a wealthy family with both magical parents. My parents would’ve loved him on sight. He seemed proud and even boastful at first, but as the ride went on, he seemed kind and liked to listen to us and our own wizard stories.   
   
Peter, on the other hand, was fairly quiet, but pitched in loudly on topics he could relate to. He wasn’t the sort of person I would have been friends with, if not for him joining James in our compartment and joining in our conversation. We were all so young, so I didn’t want to judge them too quickly.   
   
Once the initial awe had died down, and everyone was tucking into the first year feast laid out for us, I asked around my end of the table if anyone knew who the boy with the mousey-brown hair was, but no one knew any exact details other than his name.   
   
When Dumbledore approached him and took him away from the table and out into the hall somewhere, I assumed he needed a word or had done something wrong, so I ignored my curiosity and went back to listening to James’ speech on how he was going to enrol in the Quidditch team as soon as he could, and then he proceeded to explain to Peter and I exactly what Quidditch was.   
   
Our first day ended when the Head Boy at the time showed us to the Gryffindor common room; a cosy lounge-like area, with sofas and grand paintings and a roaring fire below the Gryffindor emblem engraved on the wall. It felt more like a home than my own, and I almost immediately threw myself onto one of the plush chairs to soak it all in. James and Peter then followed me, starting a cushion fight with the rest of the Gryffindor members, and I fell asleep there, sprawled out by the fire in a fort of my own making.   
   
Throughout the classes that followed, I kept my eye on Remus, watching him from the back of my lessons, trying to learn more about him without actually bothering him. He kept very much to himself, always holding his books close, and never raising his hand.   
   
I heard him speak for the first time when one of our teachers brought him to the front of the class and asked him to give the class an example of the Levitation Charm. He looked at the floor regretfully, but then took out his wand with a sigh and faced us. It was a mere two words, but he spoke softly and quietly, casting the spell almost perfectly and managing to hover a quill over his head. The teacher was proud of him, and Remus gave a precious smile at the validation.   
   
   
*  
   
At the end of the day, when most of the first years had gone to bed, I found myself back in the common room, trying to cast “Wingardium Leviosa,” as brilliantly as Remus had done in class. The piece of paper I was trying with did not comply, so I threw down my wand and stared up at the ceiling. I led there for a while with my thoughts, until the door creaked open and the mystery boy walked in, confused as to why I was there but said only with expressions.   
   
“What are you doing up so late?” I asked him, sitting up and stuffing the wand back in my pocket.   
   
“The headmaster wanted to see me for a bit. What are you doing up?”  
   
It was the most words I had ever heard him speak and I was amazed. I got up to meet him, offering my hand.  
   
“I’m Sirius Black, and I stay up late.”  
   
He shook my hand.   
   
“Uh, Lupin,” he replied, “Remus Lupin.”  
   
“What did the headmaster want to talk to you about?”  
   
“Private matter.”   
   
“You seem like a very private person, Remus,” I shot back, “why don’t you speak to anyone?”  
   
He was silent for a moment.   
   
“I don’t make friends easily, and forgive me if I am wrong, but I have heard about the Black family, and I would prefer it if you stay away from me.”  
   
It was like a lightbulb came on. My family was and always has been the reason people hated me.  
   
“Remus-“ I stopped him from getting to the dorm doors, “I’m not like them. I don’t pride on racial slurs and I couldn’t care less if both of your parents are Muggles.”  
   
A few more uncomfortable moments of silence followed.   
   
“I’m actually Half-blood,” he replied, grinning, and then the dormitory door closed and he was gone.   
   
That had been the day I had really met who would later become one of my very best friends, though for several of our Hogwarts school years, he would remain as secretive and inscrutable as he was at a mere eleven years old. 


	3. Chapter Three

Lupin’s POV  
   
It felt as though James was always out practising for Quidditch when it came to studying. It was almost predictable as we heard him say, “Off to practise,” before shutting the common room door behind him, and only the three of us remained, surrounded by thick textbooks and our own notes. I was no leader of our particular group, so Peter and Sirius just ended up messing around for an hour before James got back, and even then, it would be time for the next lesson or lunch.  
   
I would then study by myself with a Gryffindor scarf wrapped tightly around my ears so nothing would put me off as I tried to read. Sirius cleared his throat.  
   
“I think James is pining.”  
   
“What?” I asked, finishing off a page.   
   
“Over Evans again. I think she’s completely uninterested. He's only practising often to show off.”  
   
I nodded, closing the book and setting it down.  
   
“He needs to do something that’ll get her off his mind.”  
   
“Yeah,” Peter pitched in, “like the adventures and stuff we used to go on.”  
   
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think there’s anywhere we haven’t already discovered. Unless you want to try Filch’s office again, but I doubt that will go well.”  
   
“What about the Shrieking Shack? Unless Peter is still too scared to go, of course-“  
   
“Not at all!”  
   
I swallowed nervously. It wasn’t as though any of us could get near the place anyway, due to the WhompingWillow, but if there was even a scrap of evidence that I had been there, my friendship with them would be completely ruined. Not to mention my education if the whole school then found out.   
   
“Could you think of something better?” I tried.  
   
“Merlin, are you scared of the ghosts too, Remus?” Sirius asked condescendingly, to which Peter giggled at the thought of me being scared of anything.  
   
I didn’t think the question deserved an answer, so I got up and left.   
   
*  
   
“I didn’t think I’d offended you that much, Remus,” Sirius whispered, and it startled me from my sleep to see his face so close, and I slapped him in the face.  
   
I picked up my wand and cast, Lumos so I could see the damage.   
   
“Sirius, never wake me up like that again.”  
   
“Not even a Sorry for slapping you, Sirius,” he laughed, sweeping a hand through his hair. My own hand stung a little, so it must have been quite a harsh blow. Some of the bedsheets in the room rustled at the noise.   
   
I shushed him in case of anyone waking up.  
   
“Before you rudely abandoned me and Pettigrew, I was going to suggest finding the Room of Requirement.”  
   
I glared.   
   
“Sirius, we’ve been looking for that damn room ever since we first heard about it. What makes you think that now we’re going to find it?”  
   
Sirius was quiet. He looked around at the beds to check if everyone was still asleep, and then practically yanked me out of my bed to follow him outside. I was glad I had gone to bed in almost full uniform.   
   
Sirius led on ahead slowly and steadily, creeping across the halls and the ever changing staircases, until we found a long stretch of hallway somewhere deep in the castle. I watched the leader closely, his face serious and focused like he always was on these missions of his. Sirius Black was a marvel to watch in the nighttime. The way he strode - or just the way he held himself, was mesmerising. He had let his hair grow out a little bit more than the last time I saw him, scraggly and greasy, in a way that would really annoy his parents. I could also see a thick black outline of new tattoo peeking out of the white sleeve on his wrist. Merlin only knows what his parents would do to him once they found out - if they ever did find out. I wasn’t even sure if Sirius went home after the Hogwarts year or if he just staked out in a hedge until September. That would explain why his hair and his clothes were always a mess.   
   
He stopped at the end of the hall and looked at the wall for a few minutes before sighing in disgust and turning back.   
   
“What’s wrong?” I called out to him, hoping there were no teachers wandering this far into the castle at such a late hour.   
   
“I really thought it was here. I could’ve sworn it.”  
   
“Why such an obsession for the Room of Requirement anyway? I thought you’d given up on finding it.”  
   
Sirius stood still in his tracks, his face breaking into a wide and mischievous smile.   
   
“Oh no-“  
   
“I wasn’t going to tell you until it was done, Remus,” Sirius began, “but I have this little project going with Peter. James is in on it as well. We needed to gather the location of everything on the grounds though first, which is why I was trying to find this room-“  
   
I grabbed him by the shoulders. He was going on his obsessive rants again.   
   
“Slow down, Sirius,” I smiled at him, “what were you making?”  
   
“A map,” he buzzed excitedly, “a map that can track the movements of everyone on the Hogwarts grounds.”


	4. Chapter Four

Sirius’ POV  
   
I was supposed to wait until Christmas before I told Remus about my map project, but it’s design and creation was going slowly, so it wouldn’t hurt if he knew to help us out. James and I had come up with the original idea, and Peter helped on discovering the places with us, which was sometimes why we lied and told Remus that James would be out practising for Quidditch when he was instead roaming the Halls for new places. This is not to say, of course, that he wasn’t still lost in constant thoughts of Lily Evans, and did occasionally play when he didn’t need to just to show off.   
   
Remus also had a grin on his face that I felt happy to have put there. He had looked so down for most of the first weeks into the new term, and it was probably the first genuine smile I had seen on him for a while. I tried to shake away the thoughts of where his scars kept coming from, and if any of it had to do with his family. I would never want to make him self-conscious or embarrassed, so I would just have to wait until he was comfortable enough to talk about it with me.   
   
Without needing much else to do there, I playfully punched him in the shoulder and took off down the corridors in a race, Remus laughing madly and chasing after me back to our dorm.   
   
The rest of night was spent in the common room, showing Remus the plans for our map. We were led on our fronts, discussing how we were going to make everything work and things to add to it.   
   
“We’ve got most of the rooms in the interior of the castle, but not much of the grounds,” I explained, “plus, we don’t know how to track everyone with it. I’m sure there’s a spell of some sort, but we haven’t figured that part out yet.”  
   
Remus stared intently at the plans, his normally swept-back hair falling over one side of his face and covering up the scar there. I felt almost lost in the comfortable quiet of being alone with him, though I couldn’t understand why.   
   
We both dozed off sometime later, and I woke to the sound of the entrance door slamming shut as people exited to class.   
   
Luckily, Remus had practically slept over the dozens of paper sheets, so no one would have seen our brainstorming, or ever work out what we were up to. I wiped my face on my shirt sleeve, then shoved Remus awake with my elbow.   
   
He grunted in response, lifting himself off the ground and quickly grabbing as many of his books as he could hold. I assumed he still didn’t know his timetable, so I steered him out the door and towards our Herbology class.   
   
*  
   
“Homonculous!”  
   
Remus had been quiet all day, up until a free period when we met up with James and Peter, and he almost scared Pettigrew off the bench.   
   
“What on earth are you talking about?” James laughed, and we watched as Remus took out a quill from his pocket to scribble that word down on a piece of paper.   
   
It was getting cold outside, so we were all wrapped up in our capes, but Lupin had gone especially all-out with a thick coat and his scarf wrapped tightly around the bottom of his chin. He’d leant me his own pair of gloves, and I could see his hands going pink and cold. We were all squished in together on the bench, warming each other like huddling penguins, and curiously looking at each other for an answer as to what the word meant.  
   
“Its a charm!” Remus said eagerly, breath coming out in visible cold air, “For our map! It might take me a while to master it, but thats how we’re going to be able to track everyone on the grounds of Hogwarts.”  
“I bet two galleons that Sirius told Remus about the map before Christmas!” Peter said proudly.   
   
James scoffed and handed his fair over, and I glared at both of them.   
   
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked them, as Remus essentially beamed with pride at not being the loser of a bet for once.   
   
“Nothing,” James snapped, him and Peter giggling, so I looked over at Remus who was as puzzled as I was.   
   
“Oi,” I slapped him, “what’re you saying you git?”  
   
James laughed and waved me away.  
   
“It’s nothing, Sirius, I swear.”  
   
I glared more, but I knew when I wasn’t going to get an answer from James. He’d spotted Evans across the grounds, so he off he trot, and Peter left not long afterwards to who-knows-where, leaving the two of us left to ponder the Homonculous charm.   
   
“What d’you suppose they meant?” Remus asked, looking out from his scarf that was covering almost half of his face now.   
   
He’d hardly aged since the first time I met him. He still had the same innocent look in his face, but older green eyes, and of course, he had become much taller. Remus had surpassed my height around year two or three, and he’d boasted about it for months.   
   
I shrugged, and without really thinking about it, I pulled a length of the scarf end around my own neck, wrapping us both together in warmth against the cold air that seemed to foreshadow frost. 


	5. Chapter Five

Remus’ POV  
   
Sirius had suddenly been acting very strange around me. He’d try to avoid looking directly at me whenever we had lessons together, and he didn’t stick around long enough at dinner anymore to have a direct conversation.   
   
I wondered if it was something to do with James and Peter’s bet, which I still didn’t understand properly myself, but then I shook that off and decided he was just busy with the map. It wasn't unlike Sirius to act slightly differently when he had something on his mind, and the map was all that I could think of. It was a difficult project after all, and I was proud that the three of them had got as much detail as they could.   
   
It was now up to me to finish off the designs using the charm I’d remembered Peter smirking at in one of my spell textbooks. I’d been practising on a piece of parchment in the common room when no one was in there, where I had helped James write down all the places we could remember in and around the castle on the pages.   
   
Finishing up in the current class, I decided to meet the gang on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, looking over the lake. The weather was not as awful and cold as before, but I still threw on my scarf and coat, and made my way over to the general meeting space by the large tree. As I approached nearer through the cluster of trees, I could hear yelling and laughter from distant voices. I also picked up on Evans’ voice in the jumble of noises, and I sprinted as fast as my legs could take me.   
   
When the trees came to a clearing I found exactly why there was so much commotion.   
   
“Put him down!”  
   
It took me a few minutes to register that it was James at the front of my gang with his wand in the air, and Severus Snape floating above it. Peter was laughing at the back of the group, looking as though he would keel over any minute from wheezing, and Sirius was stood by James whooping and egging him on.   
   
My once happy mood had been overcome by a flood of annoyance. James had explained to me on the first day I joined their group that they had met Snape on the train and immediately didn’t trust him. Peter suggested that he probably practised the Dark Arts, whilst James and Sirius simply told me he didn’t seem like the type of person to trust. This was further exploited when Severus was placed into Slytherin house, and to them, that automatically made him evil.   
   
I don’t deny that for the first few years I took part in the terrorising of Severus, until I realised that not only had he never done anything for us to do so, but I thought, and selfishly, if I hadn’t become their friend, perhaps I would’ve been the victim in this. A quiet and perhaps strange child with secrets- in that I and Severus had a similarity.   
   
It didn’t take long for me to storm heavy footed into the situation and “expelliarmus” the wand from James’ hand. There was a thump as Snape landed heavily to the floor, and Evans rushed to help him up.   
   
“He was already here,” Sirius said, but there was nothing I wanted more than to hit him.   
   
“I don’t care,” I snapped at him, grabbing his arm to drag him away.   
   
*  
   
I shoved him angrily into the first wall I came across, and I knew if steam could come out of my ears without spells, it would. I think Sirius could see my anger as well, because he had gone quiet again.   
   
“I thought you’d got over bullying Snape!” My voice felt like it was going to break any minute, and it made me more annoyed.   
   
“You know we’ve never got along-“ Sirius tried to reason, but I was too angry to hear the same excuses.   
   
“Then act civil about it! Don’t torture the boy!”  
   
I had reached the level of fury. If a teacher had come along, I probably would’ve flipped them off.   
   
“I didn’t know they would do that to him,” Sirius practically melted under my gaze. I felt my eyes get glassy and then I didn’t care if I started crying.  
   
“Piss off! You can always stop James and you never do. You just stand back and watch like it’s some sick game!”  
   
He didn’t say a word. I could barely look at him. I took my hand from his arm, letting him slump against the wall a little, and I threw the parchment paper at him.   
   
“I don’t want to be a part of this anymore.”  
   
I gestured towards the map plans on the ground, and then left. 


	6. Chapter Six

Sirius’ POV  
   
I had completely messed up. I wasn’t afraid to admit that. There was nothing that didn’t pain me more than the anger in Remus’ eyes when he yelled at me. It was also all my fault.   
   
I couldn’t blame Peter or James, because it was me that could’ve stopped them. Everything Remus had said was right.  
   
I didn’t see Remus for the rest of the day, and it made me physically ache. I couldn’t explain it, other than it must have been guilt, and it was unbearable.   
   
Everything was uncomfortable for the rest of the day. He stayed away from us in lessons we all shared. He picked a different partner for his potions project. He sat on completely opposite ends of the table at lunch.   
   
Looking at him from across the room was like the first time we met, eyes sad and lonely, hair swept over his face and his body hunched over his plate. Remus didn’t stay at the table long until he charged out of the Hall, cloak sweeping past me and it was like adding another ounce of pain onto what I was already feeling. He sped away fast, and disappeared out into the castle.   
   
“You should talk to him,” suggested James, “Remus doesn’t last long by himself.”  
   
I knew his intentions were good, but there was nothing that frightened me more than trying to talk to Remus. I knew he would still be so angry, and I selfishly didn’t want to fall apart in front of him when he told me just how much I had hurt him. There was such a flicker of true distress in the green of his eyes, and the way he held me with such force, wanting nothing more than for me to disappear.   
   
I had made a huge mistake, and I understood why Remus was so angry.   
   
Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine a happier Remus, perhaps when I had told him about the map, or that one time just the two of us got a sugar-high from eating so much chocolate. I thought about buying him chocolate to cheer him up, but I wasn’t sure if he would find that condescending.   
   
James was talking to Peter about Evans again. Did he ever stop thinking about her? I glared at him, and Peter was amused.  
   
Maybe such a strong attraction to someone like James had with Lily just made it impossible to stop thoughts about them…  
   
 I almost dug my fork into my own hand when a lightbulb came on.   
   
Oh shit.   
   
*  
   
Everything was clear.   
   
Everything now made sense.   
   
I didn’t want to admit it to myself in case it was simply a one-off, but it had been happening ever since I met Remus on the first day of Hogwarts. I knew that everything would be different once he joined us in Gryffindor, in our specific group of friends.   
   
I wondered if the Sorting Hat had known all along. If it had seen into my very soul and then decided that Gryffindor would be the right place for Remus because that was where he would meet me and this is how I would find out.   
   
Merlin, I was overthinking this.   
   
Then the realisation that I had still messed up came back around. I was feeling so guilty about everything because Remus was the one person I could not stand to see hurting. Was this what pining over someone felt like? To feel like someone so close to you is more important than anyone else in the world?  
   
I needed to get out of the dining hall and away from the others. They’d probably laugh their arses off if they found out that Sirius Black, of all people, had felt actual real feelings. I wanted to dig myself a big hole and crawl into it for a while until I stopped thinking about it.   
   
I got up from the table and ran to the nearest place I could think of without having the possibility of bumping into Remus on the way. I heard Peter calling after me, but he stayed in his seat.   
   
I locked myself in the end bathroom stall, wiping my hands through my hair and trying to decide how to deal with everything. The more I thought about it, the more I began to believe my theory. The more I thought about Remus, the more attractive option he became.   
   
He’d always been kind and generous; he was smart and funny. I enjoyed both the mature and childlike sides to him, and the mysterious way he kept quiet but listened to all the stories he was told. I liked his obsession with chocolate and warm jumpers, and how his favourite pastime was simply sitting around with his friends and reading. I liked the way his hair curled a bit at the ends, and the freckles dotted around his nose, and the way he smiled lit up the room.   
   
I groaned, taking a deep breath to work this out. It was true.   
   
I had the feelings for Remus John Lupin.


	7. Chapter Seven

James’ POV  
   
Half of my friend group had been acting odd for almost two days. I hadn’t seen Remus since he dragged Sirius away by the sleeve of his uniform, and Sirius had disappeared after dinner, then remained in a quiet and weird mood.   
   
I understood why Remus was angry, but there was no real explanation for Sirius to be. He was never this emotionally attached when Remus yelled at him, but Sirius had been being strange for a while now when it came to the other boy.   
   
“What’s up with Sirius?” I asked Peter the following day, after seeing neither in the common room or dormitories.   
   
We were walking by ourselves along the corridor on a free period, occasionally casting a bright spark with our wands in unison out of the view of any teacher walking by. I was hoping that eventually the four of us could create a spectacle of colourful fireworks, but it was a small start. I imagined writing Lily Evans in the fireworks at the end, but the others told me it would be a waste of my time.   
   
I had tried everything I possibly could that would attract Evans’ attention, but nothing so far had worked. It didn’t help that one of her best friends also included that of Severus Snape, of whom I completely loathed. He would never let me near her, as though he had claimed her. I was disgusted, thinking about it. I wished something I did would make her notice how much I was head over heels for her, rather than simply trying to win her as a prize.   
   
“No idea. He’s probably still upset that Remus was so angry. I always thought Sirius sort’ve preferred Remus to us as his friends anyway.”  
   
“Yeah,” I nodded, “I’m going to speak to Remus when he appears. Sirius said he was in a wreck after what happened yesterday.”  
   
Lo and behold, we came across the exit of the halls to the grounds, and the wrapped up wizard was engrossed in a novel of some sort, out in the cold. The clouds looked as though they would bring oncoming snow, and I felt bad that he was out on the grounds by himself. I glared at the sky, hoping the weather wouldn’t affect my Quidditch match today.  
   
“Hi,” I began, making my way over to the benches where he was sat, and watching as Remus angrily looked up at me, “I’m sorry for what happened yesterday. I really am. I swear I’ll never bother Snape again.”  
   
He didn’t say a word.   
   
“Sirius seemed really sad yesterday,” Peter broke the silence, “and we’ve missed you.”  
   
Remus slowly close the book and rose to his feet. He took a deep sigh.   
   
“You swear?”  
   
I swung my arms around him as a hug in response. I felt him laugh a little against me, so I released him, dragging him along with us as we made our way back to the common room, where I hoped to find Sirius moping or adding details to the map.   
   
Peter found him asleep starfish-like and spread out on the carpet by the fire, head buried in sofa cushions, and Peter shook him awake to show off the found and forgiving Remus stood with us.   
   
I could almost sense Sirius’ delight at seeing the taller boy, and Remus looked calmer than he had been the day before.   
   
“I’m so sorry,” Sirius began, voice wavering, “I’m sure there is nothing I can say to make this whole situation any better, but I felt so bad after yesterday and I’m sure these two did as well.”  
   
He gestured at me and Peter, and then Remus seemed to smile softly in an understanding. Sirius then initiated a hug that seemed to last just a bit too long, but I suppose those two were slightly more friendly than we were, and Remus shook his hand afterwards.  
   
“We couldn’t just let you leave our group could we?” Peter beamed, “You’re the one that keeps us all in check.”  
   
I hooked my arm around Remus’ neck and ruffled his hair with my knuckles.  
   
“Glad you’re back, mate.”


	8. Chapter Eight

Remus’ POV  
   
Though I still felt as though their apology was weak, I couldn’t keep my friends away for that long to deal without me. The group broke apart once everyone went their separate ways; it was a miracle we all made it home each break without staying together. I was also grateful that they had come back because as selfish as it was, I didn’t much like being a half-blood around by myself. Plus, it had started to become cold, and staying outside in the freezing weather was almost pathetic. Sirius also had that beam again when I returned to the group, and so my anger subsided.   
   
Strangely enough, though, it felt as though Sirius was avoiding conversation with me. He had begun to get quiet, which was very unlike him, and I tried to convince him on several occasions that I’d forgiven him for everything that had happened with Snape as long as it never happened again. I was worried that everything had been too uncomfortable for him to stand and that it would take a while for him to recover to his regular self. I believe I had shaken him up quite a bit.   
   
At the end of the week, James announced that he would be playing a Quidditch game in the afternoon, which meant there would be more uncomfortable silence between me and Sirius, as Peter would mainly be focused on staying behind to complete unfinished class work.   
   
“Sirius!” I called out to him after class, as he began to speed off in a separate direction.   
   
He looked as though he had been caught out, and then slowly approached.   
   
“It’s break, where are you going?”  
   
“I needed to ask McGonagall something-”  
   
“Shit,” I butted in, “you’re keeping your distance for some reason. What’re you up to?”  
   
“Nothing.” He shot back.   
   
I eyed him, wondering if he was trying to steal something from me or he was plotting. It felt like Sirius was always plotting, but I had never been on the other end of it. Or so that was what I imagined he was doing. I snatched childishly at his pockets but he dodged away as though I completely disgusted him.   
   
“You’re hiding something I know it.”  
   
He shrugged. I rolled my eyes, knowing Sirius was in his moods.   
   
“I’ll meet you on the stands later!” I called out as I rushed to my next lesson.   
   
*  
   
I met up with Sirius later on, and we made our way up to the higher stands to watch James play. He had been practising so much lately, we thought he deserved our support, as well as trying to impress Evans. We spotted her not far from us, unusually by herself, but I thought it would make for a better game if Snape wasn’t there to get James rattled up again after the match.   
   
It was a friendly game between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, but it didn’t make the play any less intense. Everyone was sporting their side colours, and I had even gone to the effort of painting a stripe of yellow and red on my cheek. It also did well to cover the scar there without having any more questions.   
Sirius was also looking more cheerful, and he was waving one of the larger Gryffindor flags in anticipation. The stands soon got crowded, and then we were all packed in like sardines, waiting nervously for the game to start.   
   
I was on the edge of my seat, because as soon as the whistle was blown I liked to stand up and cheer to get James’ attention. Sometimes it knocked him off which was quite funny too. I also liked that I was tall enough to mostly see wherever the snitch went and where James went after it, so I could describe to Sirius what was going on. I smiled thinking about how much he would punch me if I started making short jokes again.   
   
I looked over at Sirius who was biting on the end of his finger, but also shaking a little from the cold. I swear, whenever he tried to wear something cool it either meant it wasn’t warm enough for him or it physically hurt.   
   
“I don’t care if it’s a fashion statement to be wearing only a shirt out here,” I retorted, “but you’re going to freeze to death.”  
   
I unwrapped the scarf from my neck and looped it over his. He groaned, but I didn’t want to deal with his complaining throughout the game, and I knew that would happen if he didn’t have any source of warmth. The scarf also looked way too big on him, and out of place. He was tiny in comparison.   
   
The whistle blew and everything went to a blur. I leapt to my feet to concentrate on cheering James on, and Sirius was giving out incoherent (but probably motivational) yelling too. The Gryffindor fans were going wild because the team had scored twenty points in a matter of minutes. Sirius’ flag had been abandoned to the floor to scream, “do it for Evans!” as James desperately tried to dodge the Ravenclaw seeker.  
   
It seemed that James’ training had not been for nothing, because at around ten minutes in, the snitch was caught, and Gryffindor had won. The cheers were so loud they almost damaged my hearing, and I was proud that James had got the attention he had been working so hard for.   
   
The game wrapped up, and everyone began to leave the stands and stalls as the players landed on the ground to get praise. I sat myself down and waited with Sirius for James to finish up and walk back to our dorms with.   
   
“I think James may have impressed her as much as he has impressed us,” Sirius exclaimed proudly, but through chattering teeth. I looked at him empathetically, and slid over the seat to sit closer to him, hoping my body heat would help. He leaned into it, knocking his head against my shoulder and leaning it there.   
   
Whatever helps I supposed.


	9. Chapter Nine

Sirius’ POV  
   
I had to keep myself together. Everything I did now had become intense, and I could hardly act normal around my friends anymore without making things awkward. I hoped it was simply because I had never had a crush on anyone really before, and that I would eventually get over it.   
   
Yet I knew for a fact that wasn’t true. I hadn’t been thinking about Remus for years just to have everything dignified as a small crush. It all sounded insane. I wanted to have things go back to the way they were without having interactions with my friend be so difficult.   
   
So when I got up to the stands with Remus for a friendly Quidditch match, I thought that it would be the time to get everything in order. I’d seen him in that situation countless times, just as a friend and nothing else, so perhaps it would’ve made everything more normal. My thoughts seemed to be preoccupied with the match as it happened, and for a while it seemed like a regular day, having the both of us screaming out to James and cheering him on.   
   
That was until, of course, I found myself staring at him again, and the cold weather struck hard - as though I’d been piled under a heap of snow with only Remus’ scarf for warmth. I couldn’t compare the smell on the scarf to anything, other than it being his. Was it possible for something to smell cosy and friendly? I could pinpoint the hot chocolate at least.   
   
He moved around a lot, so I could barely see his face through the light fringe covering his eyes. I tried to find any imperfections that could put me off, but found nothing. His eyes were the perfect shade of green to match his pale complexion, and his scar looked natural to be there - even under the stripes of paint.   
   
When everyone was gone, it all seemed too intimate again. Having his scarf around my neck felt like having him just as close. I considered stealing it for a moment, but thought against the idea.   
   
He sat with his knees pressed to his chest (though he was almost tall enough to have them up to his chin) looking off into the sky. He seemed at peace.   
   
So it was only like me to jumble up a bunch of words, and then have him slide over towards me, generously lending a huddle of warmth. I managed to then make it even worse by closing whatever gap was left between us and resting my head on his shoulder. It was like I had lost control of what was happening with my body, and I hoped that Remus didn’t think I was snuggling him.   
   
Which, of course, I was, but no one had to know that.   
   
I was internally screaming against the warmth of his coat, and the soft sleeve where his arm was unable to move between us. I felt even worse to have trapped him like this. I slowly turned to look up at Remus who had a confused grin and was looking down at me, as though this was something I normally did.   
   
I suppose I was Sirius Black, perfectly known for doing some weird things.   
   
The scarf really did no justice to Remus himself, and I hated enjoying every moment of being pressed so close to him. I pulled away for a moment, to savour his innocence of looking in the opposite direction whenever I looked at him.   
   
Oh Merlin he really was close to me. I felt my face suddenly heat up. If he turned around I didn’t know if I could physically stop myself.   
   
“James!”  
   
I thanked every god I could think of and more that Remus was calling to a returning James. He was rushing up the stairs to us, and looked as pale as a sheet, eyes wide even through his magnified glasses. We both got up on our feet, expressions changing to match shock at the terror that seemed to be present on James’ face.   
   
“What’s wrong?” I asked him concerned.   
   
He mumbled something inaudible, and I turned to look puzzled at Remus.   
   
“What happened, James?” Remus asked.   
   
“She, uh-“ James’ gape was beginning to form a smile, “Evans, she - she said yes.”


	10. Chapter Ten

Remus’ POV  
   
At the end of the day there was nothing else James wanted to talk about than Lily Evans, and we were all fine to hear it. The fire was warm in the common room and so we were all huddled around it to listen to James’ great tale of romance, including several other of the Gryffindor students.   
   
According to James, after winning his Quidditch match, he decided that it must have been a positive sign for the day to ask the fateful question to Lily, who had also fatefully shown up to watch the game. He kept describing her and how beautiful and kind she was, and it was sickly passionate, but also made me realise just how head over heels he was for her. Our group had always known of his obsession towards her, but we always had just assumed it was a mere crush and nothing would come of it.   
   
He poured his heart out for the rest of the night, promising to be the best possible man he could for her. I snickered thinking of James believing he was “a man.”  
   
Peter was eager to know all as well, especially since he had missed out on the initial telling, when James found Sirius and I on the stands. The conversation led late into the night, with Sirius who had already fallen asleep on the floor about halfway through James’ talk.   
   
It seemed James had eventually run out of breath to tell us any more, as well, or his voice had gone completely, because he managed to drag himself to bed for a few hours of rest. I stayed by the fire in the common room to look after Sirius, who would probably need waking up in the morning to avoid being late.   
   
He looked as though he was passed out, as Sirius always seemed to fall asleep with his arms and legs spread to the furthest they could go. His long hair was falling over his face, unkept and wild, but with small curls at the ends that would always show his kinder side, no matter how many pieces of black leather clothing he owned.   
   
His shirt was untucked and riding up his chest a little, so I threw one of the patchy knitted blankets over him from the sofa, which was probably someone’s out-of-class design project. Sirius reacted to the warmth and pulled the blanket around him, rolling over to the fire’s side in his sleep. I wondered if he was still going to act strangely around me the next day, and then I quickly shoved the thought out of my head.   
   
It was fine for Sirius to act weird, I had decided. I had probably shaken him up before, and he needed time to collect himself. It wasn’t as though Sirius was new to conflict, especially that of his own family. I understood that perhaps Sirius just needed someone to be closer to him now more than ever, especially if the Black family were acting up.   
   
I had come to acquire the map plans again, so I decided to waste the rest of the night writing down some more places the four of us had come to be aware of. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t been used to staying up all night before.   
   
I was worried about the next full moon. Not too long ago I had experienced what I could only describe as one of the worst and most painful transformations since I had been turned. I could still feel my bones fitting back into places, and wondered if keeping myself locked up in the Shrieking Shack was doing more damage to myself than I thought.   
   
Not only did I go almost completely deranged when in my werewolf form, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. I hated the lack of control each month, and it was the reason I had to hide myself away from others so they wouldn’t get hurt in the process. The scars on my own face would be nothing compared to the damage my monstrous form could do to others. One of my first ever transformations had led me out into a field where I had brutally attacked a farmer by my own house, though he had fortunately fought me off and survived. He was hospitalised almost immediately afterwards, and as young as I was, I believed that was the end of me. I didn’t want to live on forever hurting others, so that was when I started keeping myself locked in like a caged animal.   
   
I glanced down at Sirius again, hoping that one day I would never see him with the same scars I bore on my face and arms, though the worst ones on my chest I was luckily able to hide with my uniform.  
   
It was my greatest fear in the world to be responsible for the murder of one of my friends whilst I wasn’t in control. I occasionally woke up in sweats to the nightmare of them piled together with shredded skin and blood pooling around them, as I could do nothing to bring them back.   
   
I shook my head, trying not to concentrate on my bleak days and fears, instead focusing on the map. Sirius turned again in his sleep towards me, and I smiled at my unconscious friend, hoping how much he meant to me, and how much I hoped he would never find out.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Sirius’ POV  
   
It was getting closer and closer to December, the dreaded month of Christmas. Whenever I was outside it felt like oncoming snow, but more of a deadly blizzard than a blanket of white.   
   
I always enjoyed the Hogwarts grounds nearer Christmas, because they went all-out with the decorations and the trees. It always felt festive and comfortable, but the thought of the approaching holidays with my family was making me practically nauseous. If there wasn’t already enough in my mind with my heartache for Remus, there was the fear of being dragged home and spending two weeks away from my friends with an awful family. I wasn’t ready to explain the new tattoos yet.   
   
There was also the decision of what to get my friends for the holidays. James would probably need new Quidditch gear, and Peter was always fine with a bag of sweet treats.   
   
It was Remus I was concerned about. He was never really too fussed about receiving presents on Christmas, but I managed to put together something for him every year. He liked wool jumpers and cosy things like candles and such, but my mind had gone completely blank for something I hadn’t already got him.   
   
“Sirius are you paying attention?”  
   
I was snapped from my thoughts to sitting in my potions class, with Remus next to me, and a concerned Slughorn looming.   
   
I nodded, completely unaware of anything that was going on in the lesson, and began trying to focus on the textbook laid out on the desk.   
   
“Are you okay?”   
   
I nodded to him, barely able to look Remus in the eyes. Everything about him was so distracting. The calmness in his voice and the plush pink scars that were beginning to heal on his face. If I could reach out to touch them, heal them with some sort of magic, I would.   
   
Remus rolled his eyes at me and carried on crushing some sort of fruit into a brown concoction in the miniature cauldron on our desk. It smelled awful whatever it was, and seemed to be radiating a colourful smoke that rose in swirls to the ceiling.  
   
At this point in the lesson I wasn’t very bothered with missing out the important details, and I instead went back to thinking of what to get Remus for christmas.  
   
A book, perhaps? Or had I already got him a book one year-?  
   
“You’ve got to help me with this, you idiot.”  
   
Remus was dragging me up on my feet to face the potion he was mid-way preparing. His sudden grasp on my arm was enough to startle me, and I felt myself gasp out loud. Internally, I was shrieking at the contact, even though it meant absolutely nothing. This was getting so out of control.   
   
I stared into the pits of the magic ooze, and saw myself in the reflection, looking absolutely lovesick.   
   
There was a stirring utensil already floating there, so I picked it up to push around liquid, and it was thicker and more disgusting than I thought. I edged away from the smell of it too, so I was almost stirring it with the tips of my fingers. I covered my face with a sleeve on my shirt, and carried on, looking around at the rest of the students in the room to see if I was doing it correctly.  
   
My body instantly froze when I felt Remus shift from being beside me to being pressed against my back, and sliding his arm across mine. His chin rested on my shoulder as he took my hand to stir the potion slowly and carefully.   
   
“You need to be more gentle,” he stated, and he was so close to my ear I felt every hair on my neck stand up.   
   
Oh Merlin, why was he so close and why was I enjoying him being there?  
   
I felt myself squirm a little under his tall frame, but he guided my hand back to stirring, and it was, simultaneously, the strangest and most comfortable stance I could have been in.   
   
I could feel his chest breathe calmly against my back, as he was focused with teaching me on how to stir this stupid cocktail, and unaware of how much I wanted to turn around to his face in such close proximity and…  
   
Remus’ warmth left me again to return to my side, and there were no words to describe just how much I ached from the sudden emptiness. I looked around at him desperately, but he was unaware of anything I felt, and he simply smiled at the stirring job.   
   
My legs felt like jelly and I was starting to shake. I left the potion and the oblivious Remus as I sped off to the bathroom. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Remus’ POV  
   
Sirius had seemed out of it again. He seemed to be getting quieter and more miserable by the day. There were hardly any snarky comments during classes, and I wondered how long he would remain like this. I would probably have to address the situation at some point, but classes were so busy that there was hardly any quiet time to spend with Sirius - unless it was at the end of the day, and even then he had started going to bed as soon as he got in to the dorms.  
   
It was a slow practical lesson in potions, so I had decided to try and speak to Sirius then, but he looked unfocused and drifting. I pondered what he could possibly be thinking about, but then thought against it. I hoped he wasn’t thinking about his family.   
   
Thinking about his family dread hurt me as much as it hurt him. They were both physically and mentally abusive, and although the issue was never fully talked about, I, James and Peter were aware and ready to talk about it if he ever needed to.   
   
Sometime halfway through the lesson, we were instructed on how to make a particular brew, and my partner was practically dosing off for most of the work. I nudged him a few times until he snapped out of it, and then I raised him to his feet to work with me. He was jumpy, so I was calm and quiet with him, though that didn’t seem to be the problem, as he practically jumped out of his skin when I helped him with the stirring.   
   
I suppose I had been unnecessarily close, but I wanted to make sure that he felt comfortable around me, and not as though he had to be miles apart. I supposed that maybe closeness was the issue, and I asked Slughorn if I could follow Sirius to check that everything was okay.   
   
My heart was pounding as I raced the hallways to the bathroom, the only place I could think of him heading to at such time. I hoped and prayed that it was just sickness from the putrid potion smell and nothing more.   
   
I slammed open the bathroom door, which probably wasn’t a good idea because I knew how anxious Sirius was acting, and I could practically hear him wince at the sound. He was sat by one of the back walls, holding his face in his hands.   
   
I rushed to his aid; never before had I seen Sirius this vulnerable and afraid. It frightened me and upset me.   
   
“Sirius, what’s wrong?”  
   
I knelt down beside him, not too close.  
   
He took a deep sigh, but said nothing.   
   
“You’ve been acting strangely all week,” I began, because if he wasn’t going to speak up, then I definitely was, “and I don’t know what’s wrong and how to fix it. If you don’t tell me then I can’t help you - and I really want to help.”  
   
Sirius sat there for a while, deep and uneven breaths as if he had been crying until I had arrived. I didn’t push him for answers, so I waited until he was ready to reply. He softly wiped his eyes and spoke,  
   
“There’s just been a lot on my mind recently and I don’t know how to deal with everything.”  
   
It was hard for me to be so far apart, so I inched closer to slowly rub circles into his back. He didn’t seem to flinch, so I carried on.   
   
“Christmas with the family?”  
   
He nodded.  
   
“Don’t go home,” I stated, and then, “stay with me at Hogwarts this year. If your parents send howlers, we’ll toss them in the fire.”  
   
Not us, me. There was no one in the group that had dealt with the same kind of abuse before, and none that could understand his fear of return. I felt possessive over Sirius in that way. We were both scarred and ruined wizards that helped each other out.   
   
I pushed the dark curls out of his eyes to check that he wasn’t still crying. His grey eyes were empty and sad.  
   
“There’s something else.”  
   
I focused on him, and for the first time in so long, he held my gaze. He looked worried.   
   
His hands slid up to cup my face as he kissed me.  
   
Sirius Black kissed me.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Sirius’ POV  
   
Oh Merlin, what had I got myself into.   
   
Everything was piling up on top of me like someone burying me alive, and the opportunity to ruin my friendship was too great. He was so close and he was so kind and calm and beautiful.  
   
One minute I had been pouring out my heart to an empty bathroom, and the next moment I had captured Remus in my arms and was kissing him.   
   
The best part was that he wasn’t pulling away.  
   
He was leaning in. I wondered if I had knocked myself unconscious and was having a gross lovesick dream, but it all felt too real, and Remus was really there and he was kissing me back!  
   
It felt like some sort of miracle when he closed his eyes and pressed me more against the wall, gripping my shoulders like he couldn’t let go if he tried.   
   
It felt like it was over as fast as it started, and we were both panting for oxygen over each other, and I wondered what someone might think if they walked in on this strange situation. I didn’t want to look at Remus for a long time until I was sure that he was really there, and when I did open my eyes, he was just as beautiful as before.   
   
He was smiling wide like an idiot, and his light hair was messy and falling over his eyes.   
   
“How long have you been wanting to do that?” he asked after a brief moment of thoughtful gazing, getting his voice back after the initial shock.   
   
I paused, simply happy that he wasn’t pushing me away or shouting at how wrong my feelings were.   
   
“Quite a bit.”  
   
There was nothing much more to say, so we just sat there together, taking each other in.   
   
When we were quite sure that lessons for the day had ended, I managed to pick myself up, still feeling hazy as if I was in a dream. Remus stood up besides me, squishing his side as closely to mine as he could, and wrapping his hand around my own.  
   
I looked up at the taller boy, blushing at the way he was so delicately holding my hand, and then we exited the bathrooms to make our way to the common room.   
   
*  
   
Walking through the halls with our fingers intertwined felt like some sort of victory, and I couldn’t stop blushing. I wondered how red my face had gone, and I kept looking up at Remus to check that he was still fine with everything.   
   
He kept looking down and smiling at me with validation and I adored it.   
   
The were was something comfortable about the silence between us, because we didn’t need to speak to communicate on how secure and pleasant everything was.   
   
I wondered if this was what love felt like.  
   
When we arrived back at the dorms, we slid quietly into the giant common room sofa together, face-to-face, saying nothing really audible, and occasionally slipping our hands into each other’s hair.   
   
I fell asleep with Remus Lupin by my side, arms wrapped around each other like we could never let go. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Remus’ POV  
   
I was so glad that it was Saturday when I woke up still clinging onto Sirius like my life depended on it. The day meant no classes, so there was nothing to rush to, and I didn’t want to break the comfortable hug that we had formed. Sirius was so peaceful when he slept, and I now realised why I liked seeing him like this.   
   
I had been so oblivious about my feelings for Sirius until he had kissed me, and I found that I loved the closeness of him and everything else that came with it.   
   
The only problem that had come with the kiss was how guilty I had felt about it afterwards. Of course, there was now no denying that I had been unknowingly crushing on Sirius Black for years, but it was the fact that I had also been lying about my monthly issues, and how much I still didn’t want to admit it to him.   
   
There was now the horror of him leaving me in a different way if he found out the truth, and it crushed me to think about.   
   
His eyes fluttered open next to me, and I smiled at the sleepiness in his eyes. It was early for a Saturday, and Sirius would never normally be awake of his own accord at such a time. He always barely made it to class each morning.   
   
He probably felt my tension, so I shot him a dozy smile to make him sure that everything was still okay. He smiled back.  
   
I didn’t want to leave the comfort of the hug or the sofa, but I decided that I needed to get dressed for the day, and eliminate the ability of someone from the dorms finding us both. It was only dawning on me that morning that I would have to keep my newfound relationship with Sirius from my friends, and this would add to the never-ending guilt that always followed me whenever I was with them yesterday.   
   
My brain was stored with way too many secrets, and it felt like my head was going to explode.   
   
I sat up, petting Sirius’ long hair with the palm of my hand, before making my way to the dorms to find new clothes and have a shower.   
   
*  
   
Running water was trickling down my face when I blinked open my eyes and felt the sharp ache in my shoulders and legs, and Sirius knelt close with wide eyes.   
   
“Remus? Are you okay?”  
   
Puzzled, I shifted and found the soreness again in my body, and realised that I must have passed out in the shower and knocked to the ground. I wasn’t exactly new to random blackouts, but for once this hadn’t been caused by my monstrous tendencies. I picked myself up from the ground to meet Sirius’ eyes, and wiped the water from my face. Blood came off as well, and I held my hand there to stop a nosebleed.   
   
I hadn’t even realised how stressful everything was getting. I almost blacked out again completely when I realised the compromising situation that Sirius had found me in. I felt my face heat up in a blush as red as the blood from my nose, and thanked as many gods as I could think of that Sirius had thrown a towel over me.   
   
“Don’t be embarrassed,” he smiled, and the fear in his eyes was almost completely replaced with comfort. He held out his hand to help me up, and I took it, wrapping the towel around my waist with the other.  
   
“You’re not the type of person to pass out in showers, Remus,” he stated, “what’s wrong?”  
   
The floor of the shower stall, both naked and embarrassed, was no place to have this conversation. I shook my head, and everything hurt. I must have taken a hard fall.  
   
The pain was nowhere near in comparison to the type of agony I experienced every month, but I still struggled to stand.   
   
How desperately I just wanted to collapse in Sirius’ arms and tell him absolutely everything; let him carry my weight for a short amount of time. I could feel my eyes beginning to well up at the sight of a confused and caring Sirius, and I wanted nothing more than to disappear than anything else.   
   
I looked at him, his head tilted like a puzzled pup, and everything flooded out like I’d opened a gate. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Sirius’ POV  
   
When Remus had been in the shower for longer than usual, I decided that he may have come to his senses about the whole ordeal and didn’t want to see me. I, perhaps, had caught him off guard with the kiss or he didn’t want to say anything to hurt my feelings.   
   
I wasn’t exactly sure what I was hoping for anyway. Remus was too good for me.   
   
At around the thirty-minute mark, I wondered if he was ever going to return from the showers or stake out in there for the rest of the year avoiding me. Remus didn’t take very long to get ready in the mornings, which was how he normally made it to classes on time even if he did sleep in.   
   
I got up from the sofa to inspect everything was okay. We needed to talk about everything anyway. It would give me a chance to apologise if that was why he was hiding.  
   
I found him unconscious on the shower floor, uncomfortably bent, and I realised he must have fallen. Panic shot through me. I wondered how long he had been there and if he had broken anything. I picked up a towel close by, and lifted his chin with my hands. He wasn’t moving, but I could feel warm breaths on my skin.  
   
He’d also had a nosebleed, and there was crimson streaking through his pale face, and puddling on the floor. I hoped that there were no other wounds and began shaking him lightly to try and wake him.  
   
Remus opened his eyes with slow blinks, and it was amazing to see his green eyes up close again, even if they were glassy and faded.  
   
He managed to stand on his wobbly legs for a fraction of a second before collapsing onto me in tears. I held him there against my chest, and I couldn’t understand what was wrong, unless his fall had caused him this much pain.  
   
“Should I get the nurse?” I asked, rubbing his back to calm him, but Remus shook his head against my shoulder. He was getting my clothes wet, but I didn’t mind.  
   
He pulled away as much as he could to look at me, and I was reminded of how much I hated seeing Remus upset. He had too much control on me. His voice was broken and shaky.  
   
“I don’t know how to say this-“he began, and I found my own eyes glazing over, sharing whatever agony he was in, “I like you, Sirius, but I can’t-“  
   
He choked on his words. I knew whatever he was going to say, I didn’t want to hear.  
   
“I’m a werewolf, Sirius.”  
   
*  
   
I suppose it was something I definitely wasn’t expecting to come out of Remus’ mouth, but it did, and he said it so bluntly I wasn’t prepared to believe it at first. I wondered how bad of a fall and knock to his head could have caused him to say something like that, but Remus wasn’t taking anything back, and he looked as sad as someone could be about being a half-creature.   
   
He was crying hard and it didn’t look like he was going to stop.   
   
I was completely speechless, and I tried not to literally let my jaw drop. There was nothing I could say to help the situation, or in response at all, and I felt useless.   
   
“A werewolf?” I managed to let out, because the words were still stuck in my brain. I wanted to repeat it until it made sense to me, but it never would.   
   
My best friend was a werewolf.  
   
Remus nodded at me, but he was so upset and trembling in the cold remains of the water, and I decided this wasn’t the time to get angry or mad. If it was true, then it was something I would have to deal with. I had lived with him as a werewolf and my friend for the years up until that moment, and so nothing really changed having me know about it.  
   
He was hyperventilating against me from the silence, and the quiet had caused him to have a panic attack. I held him closer and tighter, wanting him to know how much he hadn’t changed to me, even though I didn’t quite have the words to explain it yet.   
   
I ran a hand through his wet hair softly, shushing his trembling frame to calm him down. I took one of his hands that was practically stuck to his side and held it in my own, rubbing circles into his palm.  
   
“I love you, Remus,” I whispered, nuzzling his hair with my nose, “nothing’s going to change that.”


	16. Chapter Sixteen - Epilogue

Remus’ POV

 

It had been a few days since the embarrassing scene I had made in the shower, and Sirius had admitted he loved me. There was also the debacle of telling him I was a werewolf, but nothing negative had come from it, which was an option I didn't even know was available. 

I was mostly waiting for Sirius to hit me or to simply leave, which of course, he didn't, because Sirius Black was practically perfect. 

There wasn't a time when I didn't want to be around him, simply holding him, or stroking his hair, or having him in the same classroom as me whilst we were sneaking charmed paper back and forth. 

We started sharing the sofa in the common room at night when no one else was in there, because we felt much more comfortable asleep next to the other. This had been a realisation of both of us who consistently experienced nightmares, Sirius about his family, and my own werewolf transformation memories or fears. The other would be there to hold onto or talk to, even at the early hours in the morning when they normally occurred. 

Our shared night time conversations often drifted to how many more tattoos Sirius wanted in the future, or how the map would be almost completed by the end of the year if we put the effort in. 

***

James' POV 

“We couldn't wrap your gift,” Sirius exclaimed proudly, as Remus began to wonder where his usual jumper packaging was hidden. 

I and the “Marauders”, as my group of friends had recently decided to call ourselves, along with Lily, were almost buzzing at the excitement of what we had all done for him. 

I, Peter and Lily had found out not longer after it happened, that Sirius and Remus had become something more than friends, and also that Remus admitted he was a werewolf. It had then been Sirius' idea to make Remus feel much more comfortable wearing his two skins, by having us become creatures ourselves, and supporting his transformations by becoming Animagi. 

Lily helped us work out the spells whenever she was with us and out of sight of Remus, and eventually we had successfully altered ourselves to become a stag, dog, and rat at will. 

The Animagi forms would allow us to walk with Remus as a werewolf, and keep him from hurting others and himself. Sirius believed it would be an amazing christmas present. 

This was proven to be true, when we saw the pure look of joy on Remus' face, and he hugged Sirius as tightly as possible to show how grateful he was. 

It was there, on Christmas Day in front of the fire in the common room at Hogwarts, when the five of us could have been at home, that we realised just how important Sirius and Remus were together – even if it did sound cheesy and dramatic. 

I hoped that something as pure as the love I saw in Remus and Sirius, could be found with Lily and myself as well as I watched them embrace, Sirius wearing the scarf that had once brought them as close together as they were now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is a story I've been wanting to finish for a long time, so I hope you enjoyed!  
> As always, constructive criticism is welcomed !


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